Unlocking Real Intimacy in Marriage
I know what you’re thinking…
“Oh geez, Derrick’s going to talk about sex on his blog?!”
Well…kinda.
This (or something close to it) is often where people’s minds immediately go when they hear the word “intimacy.”
Although bedroom activities are a wonderful aspect found within the context of marriage, real intimacy consists of much more than these physical pleasures.
Sadly, many couples struggle to cultivate real intimacy in their marriages which can lead to tragic consequences…
Knowing and Being Known
Many couples yearn for a deep connection but find themselves caught in the trap of superficial interactions.
The pressures of daily life, work, and responsibilities can overshadow the need for emotional intimacy.
However, true connection thrives on vulnerability, trust, and openness. The absence of these elements leaves couples feeling distant and unsatisfied in their marriage.
So what holds us back from opening up?
For me, it is often times just a simple fear of being known. But it’s more than that. It’s a fear of being known and then rejected by my wife (a fear completely unfounded), a rejection from someone I so greatly admire.
The pain of being rejected after opening myself up can be (and has been) excruciating.
I fear being seen for who I truly am, worried that my flaws and insecurities will lead to rejection or abandonment, especially when I know how horrible I can be.
As a result, I can begin to slowly build walls trying to withhold my thoughts or emotions from my wife or even myself, preventing the growth of genuine intimacy.
So…
“Where do we go from here?” (Blink-182)
Simply taking the time to understand the barriers that hinder vulnerability is crucial in cultivating a healthy marriage.
Fear, past traumas, societal expectations, and lack of trust are some common culprits. Even the fear of judgment or the belief that vulnerability is a sign of weakness can keep us locked in a cycle of emotional distance.
It is essential to recognize these roadblocks and actively work towards overcoming them.
Failing to do so can have significant consequences in marriage.
Feelings of loneliness, resentment, and even infidelity.
A lack of intimacy erodes the foundation of a relationship, leaving both partners unfulfilled and disconnected. Neglecting this crucial aspect of marriage puts the relationship at risk of stagnation or even collapse.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
When you acknowledge the distance that may have been created, you can take steps toward change. No matter how far you may feel from your spouse, you can make incremental progress toward true intimacy and deep connection in your marriage.
Here are 5 approaches to get started…
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Prioritize Safety
Create an environment where you both feel secure and accepted. Encourage open and honest communication without judgment or criticism.
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Listen Actively
Actually listen and hear what your spouse is saying and seek to understand your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and needs. Give undivided attention and validate their emotions even (or especially) if you don’t feel those same emotions.
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Share Fears AND Dreams
Share small vulnerabilities and gradually open up about deeper concerns, fears, and aspirations. Trust will build over time as you learn to support and encourage through understanding.
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Show Empathy
Empathize with your partner’s struggles and validate their experiences. Be compassionate in difficult times and offer support without judgment. Be sure to ask for forgiveness when you fail to do this.
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Seek Help
If the emotional distance seems insurmountable, consider seeking guidance from other couples you both admire. If you are in a church body, you should also speak with one of your church elders and consider Biblical Counseling from within your church to help provide tools and strategies tailored to your specific situation.
Seek to know and be known in your marriage.
Look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of your spouse (Philippians 2:4).
The effort and rewards are equally great…
- Deep emotional connection
- Enhanced trust and security
- Emotional support and growth
- Intensified passion and romance
Real intimacy in marriage is built upon vulnerability, trust, and emotional connection.
Don’t let the fear of rejection and the reluctance to expose your flaws hinder the growth of genuine intimacy in your marriage.
Actively work to overcome these barriers and embrace openness so you can experience the transformative power of deep emotional connection.
Dare to be vulnerable and unlock the power of real intimacy with your spouse.